JLSC Two - Considering Being Specific about a Date

A church friend and I were talking un-churchy things recently: dating, specifically.

Her man was being uncommunicative. My, um, woman-friend was being highly communicative. My church friend and I were both, in the moment, displeased.

I shared with her that, in my late 30's now, I have come to understand some of her complaints. In this particular case, it was the "he won't make specific plans for us, and he won't be assertive, and he expects me to mind-read and keep my whole schedule open waiting for his phone call" complaint. (I guess that should be complaints, plural.)

What I understood, I said to her, was that I do that, or have done that - that thing her man was doing. When I do it, it's being flakey; insensitive, yes, but that's her experience, not mine. I'm being flakey. Flakey means I have tons of things in my head, none of which is, "consider her time, her locale, her transportation methods or needs or goals, her need to eat, relax, or pee." (None of which "are"?)

I understood that sometimes I am not specific when it comes to dating. I don't pick the restaurant because I will pick the same one that I like or that has great seats by their TVs or that serve the same dish I like to eat over and over until my date orders or suggests I try something different.

I understand that if she leaves open her schedule, I'm being inconsiderate when I don't provide very specific places and times for our get-together. I am being inconsiderate when I say "we can do whatever" when what I mean is "I don't want to go out, I want us to stay in and be naughty." Or what I mean is "I want to eat at Pod in Philly or the Coffee Shop in Union Square or Top of the Hub atop Boston's Prudential Building - at 8 o'clock pee-em!"

I understand that women - at least the ones who seem attracted to me - find that when I show asssertiveness it contrasts with my dominant laid back persona. And they like that. My church friend told me that I was not special: in a pair, somebody always likes it when the other one is specific. Somebody has to be.

And when I did not say to my church friend, "You can be specific, you know," she really understood that I got what considerateness meant. And communication. It wasn't about who could and could not specify and assert, it was about men don't - often - and I have neglected to do so, and yeah, hope your dude comes through after we hang up.

She could not explain my woman's talkativeness and disinterest in having me respond to what she says, because that would be me being something more than a sponge for her oral discharges. Didn't need that, my woman friend. What were her needs? My needs? And I did not ask my church friend to explain any such thing. But eventually I will get around to that, especially since she shared that she's left the church position she'd held for 18 years. Now we can talk about, you know, the good stuff - all consideration aside.

Just Like Sean Chambers One

Thanks to everyone who said I should start a blog.

It seems some have tired of my all too frequent Facebook status updates.

Fine.

I look forward to posting my thoughts on things, including my faults and foibles, as well as commentary on things I read, hear, and experience with many of you. I get great joy out of your friendship, exchanges and debates. And not a little angst sometimes from being made (by you) to grow.

Here's to us, here's to more.